Becoming a Proverbs 31 woman in today’s world can feel intimidating and sometimes, unattainable. The overbearing social pressures and expectations are overwhelming. But fear not, my dear sisters, for I have some tips to help you navigate these uncharted waters that have proven to help me on my own journey!
Let’s begin by reviewing this hefty passage of scripture:
Who can find a wife of noble character? She is far more precious than jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will not lack anything good. 12 She rewards him with good, not evil, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with willing hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from far away. 15 She rises while it is still night and provides food for her household and portions for her female servants. 16 She evaluates a field and buys it; she plants a vineyard with her earnings. 17 She draws on her strength and reveals that her arms are strong. 18 She sees that her profits are good, and her lamp never goes out at night. 19 She extends her hands to the spinning staff, and her hands hold the spindle. 20 Her hands reach out to the poor, and she extends her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid for her household when it snows, for all in her household are doubly clothed. 22 She makes her own bed coverings; her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known at the city gates, where he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes and sells linen garments; she delivers belts to the merchants. 25 Strength and honor are her clothing, and she can laugh at the time to come. 26 Her mouth speaks wisdom, and loving instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the activities of her household and is never idle. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also praises her: 29 “Many women have done noble deeds, but you surpass them all!” 30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. 31 Give her the reward of her labor, and let her works praise her at the city gates.
Now, this is not one of those Proverbs 31 Woman posts where we dig deep into what each word means. That is a great way to study this passage, (and a great way to study scripture in any capacity, honestly) but we are going to take a little bit of a different approach. We will be talking about what the characteristics of this godly woman look like from a practical and culturally relevant perspective.
Please don’t hear me saying that this passage, word for word, has no relevance. That is not at all what I am saying. But when it comes to things like “She extends her hands to the spinning staff, and her hands hold the spindle,” I think we can all agree that most women in today’s world aren’t sitting at spinning wheels to prepare to make clothing for their families (myself included).
Top 3 Must-Do’s for Proverbs 31 Women Today
First and foremost, you can’t take yourself too seriously. Yes, being a Proverbs 31 woman means being a virtuous and hardworking individual, but it also means having a sense of humor. Especially when things go awry. So go ahead and laugh at yourself when you accidentally burn dinner or forget to pick up the kids from school. It happens to the best of us!
Secondly, embrace your quirks. We all have them, so why not celebrate them? Maybe you’re a bit of a bookworm or a hopeless romantic. Maybe you love to sing in the shower or dance around the house in your pajamas. Or maybe you’re a “Disney Adult” like me! Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to let your colorful personality shine through. God created you with each of those quirks. If He saw it important and beautiful to weave them into your DNA, I think that proves the importance of embracing such qualities.
Lastly, surround yourself with like-minded women. We are created for a purpose- to engage in community with God and with others. It’s vital to have a support system that understands and encourages your desire to live a Proverbs 31 lifestyle. Find a group of ladies who share your values. They can provide accountability and encouragement as you strive to be the best version of yourself. A great place to start might be the Women’s Ministry at your church. Check to see if any upcoming Women’s Bible Studies are being offered. Plugging into that study can help to deepen relationships with a whole group of likeminded women.
So, a quick recap: 1. Don’t take things too seriously, be the most YOU that you can be, and plug into a community. Like Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one person sharpens another.”
The Modern Proverbs 31 Woman Today
Her Marriage
The Proverbs 31 woman is a timeless example of a “wife of noble character”. She is a woman who is full of integrity, loving, and virtuous. Her husband is blessed to have her as his partner in life and he recognizes that. He trusts her to provide for his every need, and she does so with joy and grace. Her love for her husband is evident in the way she rewards him with good things. She never repays him with evil or “getting even.”
Her Husband
In turn, the husband of the Proverbs 31 woman is a man of great character. He is well-known and revered, not only for his own accomplishments but also for the way he leads their family. His wife’s value is something he cherishes. He praises her for all that she does and knows that she is worthy of that praise. This paints a beautiful picture of the responsibility of each spouse. Both must bring equal amounts of energy and effort to their roles in the marriage/family unit. When the scales are balanced, peace is prevalent.
Together, the Proverbs 31 woman and her husband are an beautiful example to follow. They provide a picture of what it means to have a strong and loving partnership. They are both characterized by their noble character, their love for one another, and their commitment to their family. These qualities are just as important today as they were in biblical times. They serve as a model for all couples who strive to build a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Her Children
The Proverbs 31 Woman Today Provides Loving Instruction
One of a Proverbs 31 woman’s notable traits is her ability to give loving instruction to her children. She recognizes the value of teaching and guiding her children, and she does it with love and patience. This quality of the Proverbs 31 Woman is still relevant today. We seek to raise children who are not only successful, but also kind and compassionate. Colossians 3:21 reminds parents not to provoke their children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Ephesians 6:1-4 says something similar;
Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
I heard a wonderful sermon on parenting in 2022 that has stuck with me because of the profound revelation I had while listening. My husband and I don’t have any biological children on earth (we have one in Heaven), but we have had over 50 children live with us over the last four years as we’ve served in a ministry that serves kids in hard places. It is somewhat similar to Foster Care.
Learning to parent for the first time is challenging enough, but God thought it would be a good idea to have us learn with a house full of kids who have significant and varying levels of trauma. (Don’t tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor!)
The thing about kids in general, but especially kids with any measure of trauma, they really need consistency and that doesn’t just mean a structured daily routine. It absolutely also includes a need for the adults in their lives to have consistency in their attitude, tone, and the way they respond to situations.
Her Emotional Intelligence
I don’t believe these passages above are saying “do whatever it takes to make sure your children don’t get mad at you.” I do think that there is wisdom, though, in thinking that if we (as the parents) consistently speak to our children with love and respect, even when we are upset, correcting, etc., there will be a level of safety attained and some relational equity/ trust built up.
When children feel safe and like they can trust you, they are likely to respond to you differently. In that sermon I mentioned earlier, that profound revelation I had came when the pastor said “Yelling at children never builds trust. Yelling scares and moves children into submission. Overtime, that submission turns children into good soldiers and good prisoners, but not into productive members of society.”
All of this affirms the importance of giving loving instruction to our children and maintaining our own emotional intelligence.
She Seeks to Plan Ahead
Another characteristic of the Proverbs 31 Woman is her ability to plan ahead. She rises early to ensure that all those she cares for are provided for. As a a woman of action, she does not wait for circumstances to dictate her actions. She takes charge of her life and the lives of those around her. This quality is important now more than ever. As we face unprecedented challenges, we are required to be proactive and resilient in an ever changing world.
The Proverbs 31 Woman is also known for being prepared in advance. She is “not afraid for her household when it snows”. She ensures that her family is well-clothed and taken care of even in the harshest of weather conditions. This quality is a reminder for us to be prepared for whatever life may throw our way. We must learn to anticipate challenges. We can take proactive steps to ensure that we and our loved ones are ready to face them.
She is a Reputable Woman
Finally, the Proverbs 31 Woman’s children “rise and call her blessed.” They respect, honor, and love her. This is a testament to her character as a mother and a caregiver. Her children recognize her sacrifices and her love for them, which is a reflection of her devotion to her family. This quality is still relevant today. We strive to raise children who are grateful and respectful, especially toward their parents.
Her ability to give loving instruction to her children, plan ahead and rise early, prepare in advance, and be respected and loved by her children are qualities that are attainable in today’s world. By doing so, we can build stronger families and communities that are grounded in love, respect, and compassion.
Her Home
The Proverbs 31 Woman Today Pursues Wise Investments
The Proverbs 31 woman’s many admirable qualities are something to celebrate. These include her wisdom, her hard work, and her dedication to her family. Another celebration-worthy aspect of her character is her approach to managing her household.
Next, let’s discuss another desirable trait of the Proverbs 31 woman. She makes wise investments in the things that matter most to her family. When purchasing things like wool and flax, she does so with an eye towards quality and value. She does not simply settle for the cheapest or most convenient option. (Oof, that hits. Millenial/Lover of convenience over here!) She recognizes that spending a little extra money upfront can pay off in the long run. Both in terms of the durability of the items she buys and the satisfaction they bring to her family.
Additionally, the food she purchases is nutrient dense and not destructive to the body. In our modern world with fast food convenience, I find this one particularly convicting. How often have I chosen the more convenient-for-me option? Grabbing McDonald’s or a pizza for my kids instead of planning ahead for a nutrient rich meal is too easy. Honestly, isn’t it just as easy to throw something in the crockpot or pressure cooker? For me, it comes down to planning (or the lack thereof).
This goes back to wise investments. How do we spend our money? What do we spend our resources on? How do we use (or waste) our time? Surely, with a little planning, this is one area we can all start to see some growth (and blessings!)
She Understands Frugality & Sustainability
Similarly, the Proverbs 31 woman is notably frugal. She has an uncanny ability to make the most of what she has. When she can create something herself, she does so rather than relying on store-bought items. When she has a surplus, she puts her skills to work. By making (and even selling) linen garments, she is able to earn an income to help support her family. In a world riddled with MLM’s, we can see that this core desire remains. Women are seeking to industriously support their families in their limited spare time.
I am fully supportive of moms who want to work outside of the home full-time. Where would we be without these women and world changers? To the moms who have made the decision to stay at home full-time, your job is just as important. For any mom, finding the time to take a hot shower can be nearly impossible. The expectation that we also need to use our practically-non-existent free time to make additional income seems overwhelming and exhausting.
The Proverbs 31 woman shows us a beautiful and balanced way to do this. She stewards her earnings and invests them. Her investment becomes profitable and she collects on the return. The investment is wise financially because she know it will produce return after return, year after year.
Her earnings probably were not flashy sports cars, Apple Watches, or massive payouts. But we can be certain that the Lord always provides more than enough!
She is Disciplined & Intentional
Perhaps most importantly, the Proverbs 31 woman is an expert manager of her home and her family’s affairs. She is never lazy, always looking for ways to improve the lives of those around her. I assume this means she not only keeps their family calendar organized, but she intentionally pursues productivity as well. She recognizes that her role as a homemaker is just as important as any other career. She takes her responsibilities seriously.
In a world that often values convenience over quality, our priorities have become skewed. The world encourages us to accumulate more and more material “things”. The Proverbs 31 woman offers a refreshing example of what it means to invest in the things that matter most. Whether we are homemakers ourselves or looking to live more intentional lives, there is much we can learn from her example.
The Modern Proverbs 31 Woman & Her Personhood
The Proverbs 31 Woman Today is Admirable
Two of the most admirable qualities of the Proverbs 31 woman are her noble virtue and her highly valued worth. Her character is trustworthy, consistent and strong, and she is intentional with her time and energy. In today’s world, these qualities look like:
Knowing our identity in Christ and walking confidently in it
Not allowing ourselves to settle for less than we deserve
Maintaining our integrity
Living above reproach
Take note of this important reality. There is a real difference between knowing our identity in Christ and receiving it as truth. Honestly, I think this is one of those lifelong mysteries. We will be uncovering it, piece by piece, until Jesus returns. For example, it isn’t always possible to read “I am a child of God” and immediately feel and know it on a soul level. Part of the beauty of God’s plan for our sanctifying journey (and evidence of his lovingkindness) is to encounter those little crevices in our heart that struggle to believe thanks to the influences of our sinful world.
Once he reveals Himself to those parts of our hearts, we receive revelation of His truth. Once we have obtained that revelatory Truth, we are responsible to maintain our belief. This happens by remembering the moments when He reveals those truths. You can think of them as “stake-in-the-ground” moments that are never up for question again. Remember, the Word reminds us that our feelings can be liars! We have to rely on God’s Truth over our feelings. Every time. (You can read a little more about that here.)
She is Strong & Honorable
This woman is a superhero. Her money works for her while she balances her family and her many duties. She pursues hard work and ensures she meets her deadlines are met But she is not just about personal gain. She is also generous, giving to the poor and needy as she is able.
Overall, the qualities above all point back to two main, overarching qualities. The Proverbs 31 woman is strong and honorable. She is not insecure. She is a woman who confidently stays in her lane. Celebrating and making space for others is a priority. She is never petty or jealous. Her priority is to invest in developing wisdom so she can speak wisdom. Always staying in the Word, feasting & meditating on it, hiding it in her heart. She follows the commands of scripture and is “transformed by the renewing of [her] mind“. And she knows that being pretty and friendly bring her confidence but alone are fleeting. She understands that honoring God will outlast both and that is what is worthy of being noticed.
In Conclusion
Although her rewards may not always be earthly, she is (and will be) rewarded. Her reputation of being a great woman is a reward in itself. In a world that often values the wrong things, the Proverbs 31 woman stands out. She is a shining example of what it means to be truly valuable and honorable. May we all grow to be a little more like her in our daily lives.
PS, try not to spend too much time striving after the Proverbs 31 woman’s example. The only time scripture calls us to strive is in Hebrews 4:11 where we are called to strive to enter into His rest.
Prayer is an essential form of communication for those who are reliant on God. We recognize prayer as our direct-line to the Lord and as one of the most powerful tools we have for managing this rollercoaster called life. Here are 5 simple ways you can begin to incorporate prayer into your daily routine.
Simple Strategy for Success
Let’s face it, sometimes things get in the way. Between work, family, and the never-ending demands of each season, we often allow our prayer lives to become stagnant, distant, and neglected. One of my biggest convictions (that actually led to me wanting to write this post) was this; how often have you told someone in need “I will be praying for you!” and had every intention of following through on that, only to forget? Y’all, I am so guilty of this. I am convinced that I would forget my head sometimes if it wasn’t attached to my body.
When I first started asking God how to overcome this convicting, embarrassing, and frankly guilt-inducing habit, the first thing He prompted me to do seemed simple:
Slow down and be present.
A Short Backstory
I’m going to expose myself here a little bit now and let y’all know that your girl has ADHD. My brain (and also my mouth) want to run at 90mph at all times, even when I don’t realize it.
Since childhood I have been a talker and one who notoriously talks fast. If this is what is happening in my brain as an adult, causing my speech patterns to be in a perpetual state of “fast-forward”, it is no wonder why I sometimes forget things. Especially things that are not right in front of me. It is almost like everything that runs through my mind is like The Flash. I am aware of thoughts passing by, but only because I can see the remnants of the trail they’ve left behind. They go just as quickly as they come. My fellow ADHD-ers know the struggle! So how do you take a high-speed human like me and make her slow down and be present? One word: discipline.
With ADHD comes impulsivity. In general, it is very hard to make yourself do something that you physically do not feel like doing, right? It is a thousand times more difficult when your impulsivity tells you to go with what you’re feeling, rather than what your brain knows is best.
Practicing What We Preach
When someone asks you to pray for them, when someone pours out their heart to you, and/or when The Lord burdens your heart to pray with/for someone, you’ve gotta just stop and do it right then and there. Even if you don’t feel like it. We have to somehow get our brains to understand that when someone is communicating a need to us, that is our cue to stop and take a deep breath, and focus in. Everything else can wait for just a moment.
It is never going to be easy. It is never going to be second nature. Maybe at some point, by the grace of God, it will become routine and have an air of effortlessness. Until then, we have to force it. Or “fake it til we make it” as I like to say.
Thoughts Vs. Feelings
Did you know that the Bible actually tells us that our feelings are liars? It is true!
“The heart is more deceitful than anything else, and incurable—who can understand it”
Jeremiah 17:9
Crazy, right? Our “heart” as written here (which is referencing our emotions/feelings) is heavily influenced by our flesh, which we know by nature is sinful! This is why the Word also says this:
Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.
Romans 12:2
Basically, this passage is saying “Hey, the culture is going to tell you to do things one way, but that isn’t God’s way. Your feelings will be heavily influenced by that culture. Instead, you must know what the Word of God says. Read it, meditate on it, hide it in your heart so that when your feelings start to cause you to want to justify your sin, you will realize it. You will then be able to tell the ways of God apart from the ways of the flesh and not walk into the trap of sin.”
I know this might feel like a little bit of a tangent I’m on, but man, is it ever true. We are so emotionally driven and the Word is clear. That is simply notGod’s way.
This strategy might sound simple (and even like common sense to some), but it was a revelatory lesson I learned that really changed the trajectory of my prayer life. It also changed my intentionality, which helped me to steward my gifts of mercy & encouragement. *GASP* – it is almost like God had it all planned out to work together for my good!
He’s the best, isn’t He?
Alright, now that we know the strategy, on to the long awaited list!
5 Simple Ways to Incorporate Prayer into Your Daily Routine
Fear not my friends, for I have compiled a list of 5 simple ways to incorporate prayer into your daily routine that will leave you feeling blessed, present, and guilt-free.
The Commute Prayer:
If you are like most people, your commute to work can be a real drag. Instead of listening to the same old playlist, try reciting a prayer or two aloud. Not only will it make you feel more centered, but it will also make the person next to you on the bus feel awkward (and I think that is funny!) Hey, it could be a great ice breaker. Just after saying “Amen”, pop an eye open and say “Hey, you need prayer for anything?” I bet they will share a request or two!
The Mealtime Prayer:
We all have to eat, so why not make it a spiritual experience? Before you dig into that avocado toast, take a moment to give thanks for the food on your table, the hands that prepared it, and those you are breaking bread with. And for an added bonus, try praying for those who don’t have access to such luxuries. This is a great way to teach empathy to children, too!
The Shower Prayer:
One of the best times to pray is when you’re in the shower! The warm water is not only relaxing, but it serves as a great white noise machine to help clear your mind. Take advantage of this time to say a prayer or two. Just make sure you don’t accidentally sing “Amazing Grace” to the tune of “Baby Shark”.
The Workout Prayer:
If you maintain a regular exercise regimen, why not incorporate prayer into your workout? Instead of listening to music, try reciting a prayer or two while lifting weights or running on the treadmill. Yoga and Isometric Stretching are also complimentary workouts to prayer and meditation. Try listening to Scripture set to music (like this playlist on Spotify) while doing these relaxing activities.
The Bedtime Prayer:
Last but not least, the bedtime prayer. As you lay your head down to rest, take a moment to give thanks for all the blessings in your life. If you are married, praying at bedtime with your spouse is diversely beneficial. You can empathize with one another, communicate about all of your feelings and stressors, and you can bear one another’s burdens in love. A core part of God’s design for marriage (which you can read more about here!) If you’re a parent, having an established bedtime routine with prayer incorporated has immeasurable benefits as well. So much connection can happen when we are vulnerable with those we love. When we are vulnerable and it is received well, we are able to build trust with that person. When we have trust, our relationship can deepen.
So there you have it friends, 5 simple ways to incorporate prayer into your daily routine. I hope these have sparked some ideas and encouraged you. Let me know in the comments how you best incorporate prayer into your daily routine!
What Is Christian Marriage and Why is it Special? This complex question is multi-faceted, so let’s jump in!
“Marriage is the beautiful design of the Almighty, a great mystery of Christ and his church.” Ephesians 5:32 (TPT)
What is Christian Marriage and Why is it so Special?
Marriage. A word that we associate with many thoughts, descriptors, images, and feelings. Hollywood style romances and fairytale stories. “Soul mates” longing to find their other half, who overcome all odds in a twist of fate and find each other at just the right time. Big white dresses, expensive diamond rings, and lines like “You complete me”. These are all things we associate with “true love”, right?
These examples are beautiful, swoon-worthy, and culturally, they have become the norm. The hopeless romantics of the world believe that everyone should be entitled to experience this “true love”, right? Little girls (and let’s be honest- their mamas, too) dream up their weddings and future husbands from an early age. Don’t let me fool you- I was [read: *AM STILL*] the most Disney princess-loving, prince-charming desiring, pumpkin-turned-carriage seeking, hopeless romantic you could ever meet. But I think this mindset makes love and marriage synonymous, while also implying that marriage is comprised of these two main things:
The Wedding.
Complete fulfillment found in another human being.
While I’m not saying there is anything wrong with these at all, the real question I think we should be asking here is simple: Does this type of “love” lead to a realistic, sustainable, and unbreakable commitment that brings lifelong joy and long-term fulfillment?
I believe that the short answer is: it depends on what your core belief system is.
Foundational Beliefs of a Christian
If you are a born-again follower of Jesus, then you’ll agree that the Bible is the ultimate authority. Therefore it can be concluded that the principles of scripture should become the firm foundation of your core belief system. The True, Holy Spirit-inspired, Word of God is “a lamp unto our fight and a light unto our paths”. It is written that:
We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19)
No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13)
“… God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him.” (1 John 4:16 )
“This is love: that we walk according to his commands. This is the command as you have heard it from the beginning: that you walk in love.” (2 John 1:6)
“This is my command: Love one another as I have loved you.” (John 15:12)
Reading these passages (and many, many more that I have not listed here), we can conclude the following to be true:
God is love.
He loves us.
His love toward us has given us the capacity to love.
His expectation for us is simply to love others in the same way.
He shows us in multiple ways how his love differs from worldly love, but it is most evidenced in how he willingly laid his life down for us, while we were unaware, unappreciative, and undeserving.
We were completely ignorant to the fact that we were destined for an eternity in hell. Deserving of eternal separation from all things good. We deserved literal, eternal damnation. He chose to suffer the humiliating death of a thief on the cross (that WE deserved and he did NOT); and He did so to rescue us completely out of His lovingkindness and His intentionality.
How gracious of our perfectly loving Abba Father to provide us an opportunity to accept the inheritance of eternal peace instead. This freely accessible gift is unbreakable union with Him through the gift of salvation.
How lavishly His love for us is demonstrated through that one act alone. In His gentlemanly pursuit, He chooses to go even further; providing us with both the tangibly present Holy Spirit in his physical absence, and the infallible, written Word of God to provide instruction. It is literally all written out for us to follow in a way that will never return void (Isaiah 55) and will never lead us astray (Luke 21:8)!
The Word leads to Wisdom
The older I get (and the more I mature in the Spirit), I realize two very important things:
If I have Jesus and nothing else, I quite literally have everything. I couldn’t do anything without Him and I’m nothing apart from Him.
In His kindness, graciousness, and mercy, the Holy Spirit, whom was gifted to us by the Father on behalf of the Son at the time of His ascension, gives us revelation of the truth found in the Word at just the right time. This revelatory process leads to biblical wisdom, (which is actually quite different than biblical knowledge, by the way!)
I believe wholeheartedly that Christian marriages are set apart because they are centered on the foundation of mutually-submitting servanthood and sacrificial love.
Cultural Love vs. BiblicalLove
When asking a man why he wants to propose to a woman, you might expect him to answer “because I love her“, right?
Love, being the key word in this sentence, is a multi-faceted, equivocal word- a word that can actually have various meanings. For example, take the word “bark”. You could use this word to explain how a dog communicates, or you could educate someone on the proper terminology for the substance covering the base of a tree. Same word, same spelling, same pronunciation- completely different meaning. I can confidently say the same is true of the words “love” and “marriage.” Especially when comparing the cultural and biblical definitions.
Cultural Marriage
Many people today define marriage as a union of two people who feel as if they “complete each other.” This union allows them to share a name, a life, and legal benefits. I have had real conversations with real individuals who have openly expressed that marriage is simply something that you do when you find someone who makes you feel a happy.
As expressed in the 90’s classic “It Takes Two” starring Steve Gutenberg, Kirstie Alley, and the Olsen twins, these individuals in “love” experience that heart-racing, “can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, over the fence, world series kind of [feeling]”. The benefits of companionship combined with these intensely euphoric feelings lead to the desire for a lifelong commitment called marriage.
When we can honestly say “I’ve got that lovin’ feeling,” there are few things that feel more exciting. A lifelong commitment to that happiness is an easily pursued decision. But what happens when that other (sinfully natured) human does something to let us down or upset us? What happens when those “happy feelings” are replaced over time with deep, heart-wrenching sadness, betrayal, or wounding? What happens when we let those feelings cause distance and we begin to grow apart?
I can tell you exactly what happens then.
No longer is it easy to “choose” love. In fact, in my personal experience, when I have been in the depths of those dark seasons, choosing to stay has always been harder and required more sacrifice than going through the event that caused the traumatic wounding in the first place.
Not only is it hard, it becomes increasingly (and excruciatingly) more difficult because those “happy” feelings have faded and there’s usually not a time-lined “end” to that suffering. This is where we become tempted to jump ship! After all, how can we be expected to stay in a committed relationship with someone who refuses to acknowledge our pain or who refuses to reconcile with us/make the changes we think they should make?
In our humanness, we crave control. We are built to crave pleasure and avoid pain. If we place our hand on a hot stove, we immediately respond by removing our hand away as quickly as humanly possible, right? Why? To end the pain. For self-preservation. To stop the damage from becoming worse.
Why would our thoughts be any different during marital pain? Especially when such pain is caused by the actions of another human at our own expense. And not just any human- the human who has pursued us, chosen us, and willingly vowed to live out the remainder of their days loving us. Again, the answer is simple and is found in the perfect example of Jesus.
He drank the cup of suffering on our behalf. He bore the excruciating pain of OUR wrongdoing at the expense of His own life. For the Father, at the expense of His one and only Son. Jesus pursued us then, he pursues us now, and he will never stop pursuing us. He chose us then, he chooses us now, and he will never stop choosing us. He vowed to live out his days on earth with us, has sent His Spirit as a helper to remain with us, until he returns and comes back for us.
Who would do that?! Only a perfect, all-knowing, compassionate, UNCONDITIONALLY loving, merciful, graceful, sacrificial, servant-hearted God would do that. Only God could do that.
Biblical Marriage
When two individuals who have crossed the line of faith come together in Christian marriage, they vow before God (and often their friends/families, too,) to enter into a covenant. Covenants, (not convents, friends) are more than just vows or fleeting promises. They are unbreakable commitments, only severed by the shedding of blood. Biblically based marriages are covenant relationships between both spouses and God, Himself.
Why is Covenant important?
“A cord of three strands is not easily broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
“So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:6)
This concept of covenant is particularly encouraging to believers as the Bible is full of stories where God enters into covenant with His people and remains faithful to each one. Read about the Abrahamic and Noahic covenants in the Old Testament, or about Jesus’ blood ushering in the new covenant in the New Testament! These stories proclaim so much about God’s faithfulness to remain steadfast and true to His Word, no matter how badly the humans may mess up. This speaks to the unwavering nature of God and His consistent, promise-keeping character. It also inspires hope. In marriage, this kind of infallible hope is particularly encouraging.
The Mystery of Christ & The Church
As mentioned in the scripture passage at the very top of this post, covenant marriage is also a beautiful, yet mysterious representation of Christ and his relationship with The Church, his Bride. That “mystery” slowly reveals pieces of itself over time as we become more like Him through a process called sanctification.
What is Sanctification?
Sanctification is a process of growth. A metamorphosis. We are born as individuals who are made in His image but plagued by sin. When we receive the cleansing blood of Jesus, we become new creations. That new creation is like one preparing to emerge from a chrysalis, beginning to transform more and more into a being that looks more like Him. Through this process, we begin to replace the appetites of our sin with fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22). We become more drawn to the things of God and less drawn to the things of this world.
A Metaphorical Equation
As mentioned earlier in Matthew 19:6, when two human beings enter into covenant, they go from being two separate individuals and become one flesh. Stay with me here. This next part might seem a little strange at first.
One of my husband’s favorite movies from childhood is The Parent Trap. You know, the one starring Lindsey Lohan.
Imagine with me for a moment that iconic scene where the two identical strangers find out that they’re actually identical twins. (*GASP*)
Once they start to let their walls down and begin talking, they discover that they share many specific commonalities. They share the same birthday, an affinity for dipping Oreos into peanut butter, and (perhaps the most climactic thing they have in common is) they both have photos of their long lost parents that are torn “right. down. the middle“.
On the count of 3, they each pull out their torn photos, revealing the most unexpected plot twist in the history of family films (sorry for the dramatics, but my inner 12-year-old is screaming)– the two girls come to the realization that their most prized belonging is one half of a complete 4×6 picture! And not just any picture! The picture they’ve been looking to find completion for since birth!
Phew, somebody pass the tissues. *sniffles*.
Now, imagine one of their photos was “incomplete”. Maybe the face of the parent on their half wasn’t visible. Maybe the torn seam of the photo had become further torn, making the picture appear as if it didn’t actually fit with the other piece. Imagine the colors on one half had faded but the other half was vivid.
Would there still be a complete picture? Yes. Would it be recognizable? Probably not. One little ding or difference on one side could change the whole picture, causing confusion, doubt, hopelessness or let down, right?
We can think through to the concept of biblical marriage through the lens of this metaphor!
How to have a Strong Christian Marriage?
When entering into marriage, two separate “halves” come together, making one “whole”. Each spouse brings their half. That half is best and most helpful to the “whole” when it is as intact and as recognizable as possible.
You’ve heard the saying “marriage is 50/50”? In a biblical reality, marriage should really be 100/100. It gets tricky here because we will never be capable of bringing our perfected 100% to any relationship while we are living in this fallen world. That said, though, the 100% I am speaking about here is the kind that is attainable in the here and now. Although, it does require hard work and the Holy Spirit’s miracle-working intervention. I believe that this “realistic 100%” comes by
Believing confidently what The Bible says, specifically about our identity, worth, and value in Christ. Knowing it and reading it are one thing. Believing and walking in it are another.
Having unwavering integrity and a biblically-cultivated sense of self-awareness. Being aware of our blind spots, secret sins, and misalignments is important. Working to correct them through applying biblical truth, pursuing personal accountability, and being led in biblical discipleship are even more important. Honest humility is greater (and more freeing) than defending yourself.
Working to heal from pre-existing trauma. The best way I have found to do this is by cultivating self-awareness, maintaining a daily routine of personal worship, developing a healthy communication style, continually submitting myself to biblical counseling & wise counsel/mentorship, and building an arsenal of coping skills.
Being completely independent and comfortable with being alone. I have said it before and I will say it again; we should all seek to get to the place where we can honestly say that if all we have is Jesus, we have everythingand lack nothing.
When we bring these Holy-Spirit-refined qualities to the table and solder them with these same qualities in our pursued partner, we become one flesh that is significantly less broken. One flesh that is less plagued by sin, less reactive, and quite frankly, less “doomed-to-fail’ statistically! We also become one flesh that is healthy. Healthy bodies can grow stronger and increase their stamina more easily, without hindrance, just as God created them to.
As I said before, I know that we will never see the full picture of our perfected selves revealed this side of eternity. What we can experience, though, is the joy and growth that come from embarking on the journey hand in hand with the one whom our soul loves (Song of Songs 3:4).
I could nerd out about the kindness and intentionality of God forever, y’all!
Why is Christian Marriage so special?
“This is my command: love one another as I have loved you.”
There we have it. Written in black and white (or in some translations, red & white) text. To love is to choose to mercifully suffer through and continue to show up, provide, and pursue even when we don’t feel like it. That’s a concept I’ve heard elsewhere before.
“Do it anyway because it is the right thing to do, even when you don’t feel like it.”
Sounds like emotional intelligence to me. Sounds like wisdom to me.
“The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?” (Jeremiah 17:9)
The human heart is the most deceitful of ALL things and DESPERATELY wicked. This mirrors the truth found in Genesis when we read about the consequence of sin! When we become believers, He redeems our spirits, but our physically bodies still suffer the consequences of sin. That’s why it is also written that we MUST NOT conform to this age, but rather we should be “transformed by the renewing of [our] mind, so that [we] may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.” (Romans 12:2).
Read that last quote again.
And again.
When we are transformed by the RENEWING of our minds (and washed by the water of the Word [Ephesians 5:25]), we are able to discern the GOOD, PLEASING, and PERFECT WILL of GOD! Not the enslaving, joy-killing, soul-crushing will of God. From an outside perspective, people perceive Biblical principles as a list of religious rules that keep a person from enjoying or indulging in certain things in life. In my experience, that could not be further from the truth. The principles found in scripture that I have applied to my life have always proven to provide me with more freedom, peace, and blessing.
The Big Picture
Loving like He loves us starts with us mirroring His actions. So, it would be accurate to say that loving like He loves us starts with being obedient to embodying the Word of God.
It is written that man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God (Matt 4:4). Feasting on the Word means we are nourished and transformed by the Word. When we are transformed by the Word, we start to think like Jesus. Thinking like Jesus insinuates that we having the mind of Christ (it is true! Read 1 Corinthians 2:16). Having the mind of Christ allows us to respond, empathize, serve, and sacrifice like He does. Responding, empathizing, serving, and sacrificing like Him is what true biblical love looks like.
The byproduct of loving our spouse in this way? Long term fulfillment.
Soul-liberating freedom.
Inextinguishable joy.
Zealous pursuit.
Unblemished intimacy.
When we are living according to this standard of love, the question posed earlier becomes much easier to answer. Let’s look at it again:
Does THIS type of [biblical] love lead to a realistic, sustainable, and unbreakable commitment that brings lifelong joy and long-term fulfillment? YES. YES, IT ABSOLUTELY DOES.
Happiness vs. Holiness
In my experience, God, in His perfect goodness, does desire for our marriages to be good and for us to be happy within them. Not only good, but fulfilling, dynamic, full of romance, and set apart! Happiness, however, is a fleeting emotion. It is a feeling. Something of the flesh that, again, as believers, we know is a byproduct of our sinful nature.
Joy is the byproduct of holiness.
Holiness is the byproduct of our obedience to honoring His perfect design.
We don’t always want to submit to His ways, but when we do, we are always better for it.
One of the hardest parts of living in this world as a Christ-follower is choosing to walk in the ways of the Word over the ways of the flesh, but this is exactly how we develop holiness. More to come on that, later, friends!
Conclusion
Though there are several more ways to answer the questions, I believe that these key takeaways are a great place to start digging in. So without further adieu-
What is Christian Marriage and why is it special?”
Christian Marriage is a picture of Christ and the Church. When we enter into Christian marriage, we develop a deeper understanding of how Jesus loves us and the mysteries of his relationship with us. This leads us to love our spouse beyond a euphoric feeling. We begin to love empathetically, submissively, servant-heartedly, and sacrificially.
Christian marriage is a covenant relationship. Covenant relationships are relationships that are unbreakable and carry on, even when someone messes up or fails. In contrast to worldly marriage, covenant relationships don’t end over irreconcilable differences or “falling out of love”. Instead, by God’s grace, they persevere through it all. Choosing to be present and intentional every single day.
Christian marriage leads to holiness through sanctification. It quite literally makes us better, stronger, and more wise.
Christian marriage brings joy. Joy is an overflow of elation that comes from the Spirit dwelling within us. Joy > happiness.
When we get to know Jesus on a deep and personal level, we will become more like Him. Becoming more like Him will lead to greater fulfillment and blessing 100% of the time.
Looking to Jump Start Your Journey to Christian Marriage?
Here are some beneficial (and Christ-centered) resources/ideas for you:
Winshape Marriage Retreats– Jake and I have gone on one of these retreats every year for the last four years. This beautiful and picturesque facility is serene and offers many amenities for you and your spouse to utilize together. Typically retreats run from Friday to Sunday. You will hear from dynamic and engaging speakers, worship together, play together, have intentional conversations, and enjoy some delicious meals while dining with other couples. 10/10 recommend!
What He has joined together, He will be faithful to tend to. We don’t have to strive or worry. All He asks us to do is to trust and acknowledge Him. He will make our path known and help us to walk at the correct pace.
May you find immeasurable blessings as you continue to pursue Him.
Hey there! I’m Molly—a Jesus-loving, Disney-obsessed wife to my amazing husband, Jake. I’m a proud foster mom and dog mom, navigating the wild ride of life with a sprinkle of humor and a whole lot of heart. As a bariatric patient who’s lost over 170 lbs, I’m all about sharing my journey and cheering you on in yours. Think of me as your personal hype woman, here to lift you up and maybe crack a few jokes along the way. Let’s tackle life together—one laugh and one inspiring moment at a time!Read more about my story here.
